Party Planning Committee

So, I am throwing a little birthday party for one of my friends. I have an idea of how I want this thing to run. The thing is, one of my friends wants to throw a wrench into my party by demanding that he cook for everyone. Now, I admit that there is a lot that I am not good at. For example, I know little to nothing about hockey. Since I do not know anything about hockey, I’m not going to give hockey advice to someone that knows a great deal about the sport. In the same way, I know a lot about throwing parties and take offense when someone with a lesser party pedigree attempts to take control of the party. There is an art to throwing parties and subtle decisions can make the difference between a party you can do without, and one that everyone remembers and will be talking about for months.

Here is the thing about serving dinner at a party; nothing good can come of it. Serving dinner means that your party will have to start early, let’s say 6pm. Three things always happen when you start a party early with a meal. Half the guests gorge themselves and are worn out by the time the real party begins. These guests will leave early and this is one of the worst things that can happen to a party. All it takes is one guest to leave early and suddenly it becomes okay for anybody to leave. It’s contagious and can easily snowball into an empty party. The second thing that happens when you start a party early is everyone begins drinking early. The problem here is that some people are lightweights and some people are heavyweights. When lightweights begin drinking at 6, they are useless by 9. Here again, these guests will want to leave early and we have the same problem of the party emptying. There is a third issue that presents itself if you start early. Inevitably, there will be guests that are not free early. These guests will skip the dinner portion of the party and show up later. So when these latecomers arrive, they are met by the useless lightweights and the worn out overeaters.

There are three things that can bring a party to a screeching halt. One, everyone drinks too much too early and when the party should be picking up, it dies down. Two, people are tired and the party never reaches an apex, it simply plateaus and then trails off. Three, the guests' arrival times are varied so the party can never develop a rhythm. This is similar to Gregg Popovich’s horrendous substitution patterns. How many games did Tony make three shots in a row and then get pulled because there were three minutes left in the quarter? The following quarter Pop would finally put Tony back in at the 8 minute mark, but Tony lost his groove and it takes him 4 minutes to get his rhythm back. At this point the Spurs are down by 8 with 4 minutes remaining in the half, and you know how this story ends. Parties are like games. You need the right mix of people, and just as importantly, you need to set the team up to win. The timing of the party needs to be flawless, and this does not happen by accident. By serving a meal to begin a party you are inviting a disaster. I, for one, will not throw a party if food is to be served. It will kill my street cred. And if I lose my street cred, I may have to do something drastic to regain it. Maybe I’ll rob a convenience store and shoot the employee with a BB gun like this guy.