Fantasy Baseball

As we approach the end of our NBA fantasy basketball season, my friend asked me if I wanted to organize a fantasy baseball league. Fantasy baseball is apparently the best fantasy experience because this is where fantasy began and the statistics are much more developed than those of basketball.

However, I have many issues with baseball and shot his thought down without hesitation. First, I’m not in the best shape of my life. I do not work out religiously and do not watch what I eat. I’m not fat, but I’m not cut either. And here resides my first issue. Why am I going to watch a sport that pays “athletes” who are in worse shape than I am? So, you are a professional athlete being paid millions of dollars and cannot keep yourself in shape? I don’t get it. And do not kid yourself. These guys have bellies. They are definitely not in their best physical condition. And the other thing I cannot make sense of is that apparently, all these guys were using steroids. Roger Clemens, I’m looking at you. How can you use steroids and still be fat? It’s ridiculous. This is how un-athletic baseball is, it has players on steroids that still cannot keep themselves in shape. Hey Roger, when is the last time you ran a mile? College? High School? It was a long time ago, I can promise you this much.

Have you ever thought about heaven and hell? My heaven would consist of an infinite number of HD TV’s, half constantly playing March Madness games and half playing NBA playoff games. Hell would consist of TV’s playing WNBA games. Seriously, it’s time to put the WNBA to sleep. When I think of women’s basketball, I think turnovers, missed layups, and an inability to jump. It’s basically like watching 20 Jacque Vaughn’s square off. And this is on TV? It’s dumbfounding. But I digress, purgatory would definitely have baseball on the TV’s. Think about it. If you arrived to purgatory and all that was on was baseball, would it even surprise you? I would think, ‘Yup, that’s about right.’

If someone told you the score to a baseball game, would you still watch it? Unless you are completely obsessed with baseball, the answer is 'no.' If someone told me that the final score of a baseball game was 3-2, I can guarantee you that there is no way I would watch this game. However, if someone told me the Celtics beat the Lakers 99-98, the likelihood of me watching the game just increased. If I found out the Cardinals beat the Steelers 35-33, I would want to see this game. This is because basketball and football are just more exciting than baseball. There is more action, more points scored, and better athletes. I know I could not play basketball or football professionally, but whenever I see a baseball pitcher I think I have a chance at the MLB. If I injected the steroids directly into my throwing arm, could I get my fastball into the 90’s? If so, I’d get a contract.

Baseball homers like to tell themselves that people who do not like baseball just don’t understand the intricacies of the game. They say, “Well, you never played so you just cannot appreciate it.” This is absurd. Baseball is not as complicated as baseball homers like to believe. It’s similar to how counting cards was portrayed in the movie 21. Counting cards does not require a gifted mind from MIT. All you do is add 1 and -1 over and over again. Similarly, just because people like to say baseball is overly complicated does not make it true.

My final thought on baseball is, how will it survive the recession? I’ve seen the stands while watching Sports Center. Does anyone go to the games? Whenever a homerun is hit, they zoom into the stands to show a fat guy leaping over 3 empty rows of seats to secure the ball. How are they going to pay CC Sabathia millions this year and survive? By the way, CC gets a $161 million contract and McDonald’s sales increase by 5% during the worst recession in decades…. Coincidence? I think not.